?

Log in

as the rain keeps falling...

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> My Website
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Tuesday, April 13th, 2010
10:29 pm
hear me say...Collapse )


So I'm doing my taxes one way and I hope I've made the right decision. If not... well. we'll see. Whatever. I'm just going to do them like this. I *shouldn't* have to pay anything to Maryland, right - even for my relo package? who knows. I don't know. I never worked in or lived in Maryland for any bit of 2009... meh. Apparently NJ gave us an extension on our taxes, because of the crazy storms we had. State of Emergency and whatnot. I just want to get them done and send them in so whatever. I'm basically done I just want to doublecheck on a few things... because this is coming out differently doing it by hand than it did when I did it using some online thingie...

So anyway, I'm going home Thursday night... hopefully... if work permits it, basically. I've got about a billion and a half things I need to get done between now and Thursday when I leave... I'm kind of stressed / freaking out about it. Looks like it's going to be some 9-10hour days here, getting stuff done... that's life i guess. timelines are timelines are timelines and things need to get done, and when you're the only workerbee around that's on the project... well... it makes it pretty clear whose responsibility it is to get the work done.

So I took Friday and Monday off from work and it's quite possible that this is like the worst timing ever to take a couple days off, but so fucking be it, I'm not going to NOT use my vacation time (I haven't used any yet, and I've got like 15days i need to use up).

So I've been going on my guild's Ventrilo server chatting with people pretty frequently since I quit.... I think I need to take the next step and just stop. Because that's another piece of the WoW world... It's so baffling to me how much a person can get addicted to a videogame... there's no chemical dependency, but all of the mental/emotional repercussions of a "withdrawal" ... those apply.

I've got some D&D books on the way :) A friend of mine from college was selling some of his books so I bought a couple for myself for my birthday :3 Kinda like, a self-birthday gift... something to do in my spare time? xD My fave part of D&D was making the characters up, anyway... Plus, I like pretty books.

So I'm kind of in this in-between place. Not contented. Not unhappy. This is where something usually happens to make it better, or make it worse... if I was stuck here for too long in the past, I would take things into my own hands - usually to put things in the "worse" direction.
But, really... I think I'd rather things be "okay" than bad, so I'll ride on this mediocre life for a bit.

I could use a cute warm fuzzy. BUT! I will get to meet and play with Tiff's new kitty on Thursday night / Friday!! I really wish I could have a cat here... Though not another Mischief. Mischiefcats are expensive.

current mood: okay

(1 comment | comment on this)

Sunday, April 11th, 2010
3:46 pm
I keep putting these taxes off. It's just a pain in the neck to do them... relocation is making it really more complicated than it needs to be.

So, life is okay. I guess I really have no reason to complain. I've got a couple products that I worked on hitting the market in a few weeks... think first ship is the 19th. Keep your eyes open for two Bertolli frozen Dinners for Two with "New!" tags on them.

I'm in the midst of a cold-turkey quitting of / break from World of Warcraft. My account is inactive as of April 7th. I'm waiting for the irritability to really set in... I need this, I know it's taken up far too much of my time... but there's not much else to do with my time, considering I've got a lot less expendable income, so even if I DID have friends up here in NJ, I wouldn't be able to hang out, because hanging out with people is expensive (cost of booze, cost of food, cost of doing much of anything...)

I'm going to have to limit my trips home to Maryland, too. Going home every month is at least $100-200.

I don't know how I'm going to use my vacation time this year. I suppose the four weddings I have gotten / am going to be getting invitations to would require some time off. I'm taking two days off for my birthday weekend. I'll be taking a couple days off in October to go to Vegas, probably (gotta budget some money out for that).

Looks like it'll be another year without much of a "real" vacation.

I don't know where I meant to take this entry. mostly just an update on me, but there's not really much new or interesting going on with me. Work. Gym. Videogames. Listening to music. More of the same.

(5 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, March 1st, 2009
2:57 pm
I've had a rough week.

I think maybe it's a result of hormones... I keep considering going on the pill just to regulate some of that bullshit. I don't know if it will make a difference.

I guess I should start looking around to see where good doctors covered by my insurance are around here. I need to really get these annual checkups, and it may be in my best interest to find some professional help for these awful mood swings I seem to be getting--maybe a physician can point me in the right direction of someone for mental health.

I've learned a lot. I know these things conceptually, but putting them into practice is proving to be rather difficult.

current mood: discontent

(2 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, February 15th, 2009
5:55 pm - totally done with dating.
So sometime early last week, one of the guys at work asked me if I wanted to go out this weekend. I thought awesome, gives me a chance to do something not sitting alone in my apartment.

We ended up going to the movies on thursday night. We saw Underworld 3, not the best movie but meh, whatever. He held my hand through the movie and after the movie kissed me. Walking back to his car, he kissed me again. In the car, kissed me again. Back at my apartment, kissed me again.

Too much.

After the date, asks if he can call me later that night. I tell him I had to go to bed because of work in the morning. He sends me a text the next morning. Calls me multiple times the next afternoon. calls me Saturday morning asking if i wanted to do breakfast (I didn't). Asks when I want him to pick me up because we were going to a club. He decides 8p is ok, which I'm fine with.

Sends me one of those animated valentine's day text msgs with music and everything.

Calls me at 7p. "are you almost ready?" "i thought you weren't coming until 8?" "oh, yeah, well I was just asking..." "I'll be ready at 8 for sure."

He hands me a gift bag with a stuffed bear, a balloon, a rose, and a card (which i've yet to open). says i need to put the rose in water (yeah, okay). suggests we go up to my apt. i should have left him at his car while i went up and put the rose in water. i didn't let him wander far into my apt, hurriedly put the rose in water, and then hurried him out of my apartment.

The club he took me to was really cool-- Fernandes nightclub. I think it was in Newark, so not a great area, but the club was great--there was like a band that played the music and etc. Drank like 1/2-3/4 of a pitcher of sangria. he tried to teach me merengue and bachata... i have no sense of rhythm. When he was driving me back to my apartment I started blabbering at him in Spanish. I don't think he expected me to be coherent in Spanish, or to know Spanish at all. I told him that I think of him "como un amigo, no un novio" ... several times. and i told him i wasn't ready for a relationship and etc.

his response was that he'd wait, which pissed me off, frustrated me.

He texted me this morning to say good morning. called. i didn't answer. called again, within 10minutes. i didn't answer. called again an hour or so after that. i didn't answer.

Why do I have this luck with guys? I need my fucking space.

I think I just need to tell him that look, i had fun and stuff, but i'm *not* interested in him romantically.

He kept talking about how happy I make him and etcetc.... I told him-"you've only known me for like a month!"

I swear.

current mood: irritated

(7 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, February 12th, 2009
6:41 pm - so
I'm about to go on a date.
wtf.

(5 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, February 8th, 2009
12:09 am
Being home like, revitalizes me or something. It's always so nice to spend time with people who I know love me and think I'm amazing.

Because, I am amazing. And I'm nice. And I can totally be good with people if I can just get past being shy...

Celeste sent out an invite to a bunch of people for a "happy hour" after work tuesday... "somewhere in the city." I'm looking forward to that, I'm hoping it will open me up to going out more, maybe finding people to go out with / etc.

It's a slow process for me, but I think in time Jersey will start to feel more like home...

It's off to bed, waking up early to head back up. i'm so exhausted, i had a busy day.

current mood: okay

(2 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009
10:50 pm
First, some lyricsCollapse )

I'm still working on finding a routine, and making this feel like home. Work is good, though. Busy, but good. Could be worse. I'm getting sick. My apartment still feels empty. I feel lonely a lot. I'm learning a lot but... there's something very melancholy about my demeanor. I don't think it shows at work... I tend to be upbeat and cheerful at work--like I've always been whenever I'm at work.

I was going to make this a lot more in-depth and drawn-out but I don't really have the energy anymore.

current mood: melancholy

(2 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008
12:09 pm
Mom signed the van title over to me yesterday... so I guess it's like, officially mine or something.

Went to the Caps game last night with Lauren, Chris and Tiff. :) We had a good time, Caps won 4-2... we were playing so sloppy though... Caps play the Devils on Friday, if not for being completely freaking out and stressed about where I'm going to be living and whatnot, I would totally want to get tickets and go just to be like, "amg.... my old home versus what's gonna be my new home onoes!"

Kara came over this morning... and was kind enough to let me sleep in because I haven't, er, been sleeping much lately. We went to IHOP and chatted and etc. It was nice. :)

As it gets closer and closer to when I'm going to have to move... it still doesn't feel like I'm leaving. It'll hit after I get to NJ and etc I suppose... I'm going to miss everyone just being like a 20-30min drive away.... (Or Jess a little more than 30min, but still less than an hour! though pretty soon she's gonna be a couple days' drive away!)

I can't believe I start a week from yesterday... and I still haven't heard from HR about relocation... it's so difficult to get a hold of anyone. Vanessa said (when I called her on Friday) she'd check in with HR and let me know... haven't heard from her.... I may have to be pesky and call her again today >.< I hate feeling like a pest but this is KIND OF a big deal...

current mood: stressed

(2 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, October 30th, 2008
1:09 pm - So!
A few things going on...

Friday I had a job interview with Unilever. It went well.... I was told Tuesday that I got the job :) I got a call just a short while ago from my boss(!!! :D ), just seeing if I had any questions and etc, and saying the paperwork would be out to me in the next day or so.

Monday I had a phone call from a certain someone who basically had cut me out of his life for the past few months, without a word of explanation... yeah. He explained the reason (which, honestly, I already knew the reason, I was just pissed he didn't SAY something and instead just ran away without a word of explanation... the one thing I hate the most is not having closure on things)... anyway, so the conversation was good, and I suppose we're friends again... I suppose I could put his phone # back in my phone.

Monday my guild entered a new zone... and basically got two new bosses down in like 2-3 hours (3 attempts for one, and 2 attempts for the other)... It was cool! Seeing new things, learning new fights/new strats.... the third boss is kinda a biatch to figure out because there's so much to it, but we've made some progress on that, and should get her down (I hope!) by the end of this raid week.
Yes I'm a geek.

So before I head out and move to New Jersey for my new job, there's a bunch of stuff I need to get together... Eeee!! :) I need to make another trip to the dump (to get rid of my old stinky uncomfortable mattress that gave me back problems), donate a bunch of clothes that are too big for me now, buy a bunch of clothes that actually FIT me, clean my room out, xfer the title and etc on the van to MEE!!, get the van's emissions test outta the way (might as well!), swap car insurance stuffs so I have my own insurance that I'm paying for, switch banks to one that's actually in NJ!, get on my own cell phone plan (gonna need kev's help with that one, I think), uhhhh....

I swear there's more. But I think more than anything I'm really excited :)

Ryan's excited for me too... Tuesday night he kept saying "I'm so happy for you!!!" :) He's also veryvery busy right now... he's gonna have a crazy next few weeks! what-with 50page papers and the like to write.... and once he's all done with that I should (hopefully!) be settled in NJ :) I told him, "I'm going to live like RIGHT outside of NYC!! You should come visit and we can go to NYC!" And he thought that was a great idea :) Hehe. We'll see. Could always just wait till this spring/summer like we had planned and have a roadtrip with me, Nat, Kara and Michael up to Toronto.... though I guess that would require either me going down there or them coming up to see me...! hehe.

OMG!

OMG!

I'M FINALLY FRICKIN EMPLOYED!

current mood: excited

(4 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, October 23rd, 2008
1:06 pm - Off I go!
Here goes nothing!

It's off to New Jersey for a job interview with Unilever.

I'm excited and eager to learn more about the job, and to let them know more about my skills. :)

(2 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, September 25th, 2008
8:29 pm
i kind of hate you.

you know, the story behind the phoenix tattoo was supposed to represent my rebirth... my entry into a new life. i didn't intend initially for it to be a life without you, but now it's apparent that's what it is. and i'm angry and upset, and have been for months. and you know, i probably will be for a few more months. but eventually i'll just stop thinking about you all together. or if i do think about you, it will be briefly, and not nearly with as much bitterness as it is now.

i learned a lot while we were together. i hope you did too. and while right now i wish you all the ill in the world... i'd like to think one day i'll be able to think, "i hope he's happy where he is in life. because i know i am."

i'm not happy where i am. but i'm getting closer each day...

current mood: okay

(2 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, September 9th, 2008
12:17 pm
So I haven't written here in a long time.

I spent my summer doing a whole bunch of nothing. I went to New Orleans for a few days for the annual meeting for IFT (the Institute of Food Technologists) to present our product for the product development competition. It was a neat experience, but I wish I'd had more time to explore New Orleans while I was there. The best thing about it, I think, was the food.

Now I need to find a job. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I honestly miss food service. I miss the people. I kind of want to find myself back in a coffee-shop environment, so I'm considering going back to Panera, and I'm considering Starbucks. When I was thinking about this outloud, I kind of dismissed it with a, "but I should find a real job." Kevin said, "what's a 'real' job?"

I'm just afraid in order to start paying back loans I'm going to have to either 1. have two of the jobs mentioned (ie, starbucks and some other job), or 2. find a job that isn't food service, but pays better. like an office job or something.

I initially wanted to go out on my own, but I think mom really was making a good point, talking about how I should find a job close to home, to save up some money, before really going out on my own...

I just don't want to get trapped. I don't know.

current mood: restless

(9 comments | comment on this)

Monday, May 26th, 2008
5:18 pm
home.

current mood: tired

(27 comments | comment on this)

Monday, April 7th, 2008
5:36 pm
Gotta love it: when I finally get the motivation to hem up some dresspants, and place the pins in.... I can't find a sewing needle.

Of course, perhaps this motivation is merely just procrastination and not wanting to prepare for my presentation tomorrow afternoon in food polymers.

I'm hoping one of the other RAs will have a needle? Possibly? Or maybe there's one in the staff office o.O

In the meantime, I suppose it's time to find a SAFE place to set these pants down.... ie, one where someone won't accidentally sit down and go "OUCH!"

...

sigh.

current mood: unmotivated

(6 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, April 6th, 2008
8:40 pm
for the record... i went to the event yesterday (a lot of my residents were signed up for it.... i felt like i had to go. and you know, i DID have fun). and i went to a dance performance this afternoon.

and i still have about five tons of things i need to do for the week. and about zero motivation, still.

my new addiction: sleep.
I think i'm going to give in. i've got a pretty ridiculous headache....

i'll wake up early, though. 5:45? yeah, sounds good.

oh, also... took a nap yesterday afternoon around 3, 3:30, something like that.... sun shining in through my window, right on my bed... best nap ever.
i am such a cat. curled up in the sun. nothing has ever felt better.

i love how i give up one addiction, and so quickly find another.
sleep's a healthier addiction, right?

"there's no such thing as a healthy addiction."

current mood: stressed

(1 comment | comment on this)

Saturday, April 5th, 2008
1:53 pm
i'm not going to be able to enjoy myself if i go to this event i said i was going to go to this afternoon so i think i'm just like, not gonna go.

i'll toss my shirt in the staff office for whomever wants to take it, maybe.

sigh.

i have so much i need to get done. i can't focus.

(2 comments | comment on this)

Friday, April 4th, 2008
8:03 pm
...but i am damned if life itself is condemnation
i am immortal, thus my freedom is captivity...

flying
all across the highlands
searching for a way
to finalize my history

rising
high above the mountains
reaching for the sky
closer to my sanctuary.



So the productivity has slowed, but the motivation, the excitement, that i might actually be able to go without wow for two weeks is keeping me off of the game.

So much free time without it. So much. I miss a few people... one person, really. There's one person I REALLY miss. and I hate that I miss him this much. Maybe that will fade.
I find myself thinking, does he miss me? Is he wondering why I haven't logged on lately? I find myself hoping he asks someone where I've been. Or that he shoots me a message or a wallpost on facebook. Something. Anything.
I feel like a pathetic creature for thinking these things. It's infatuation. I don't know why I'm so infatuated with him, but I am.

So the Product Development Team has made it to the finals! Which means I have even more incentive to go to New Orleans this summer for the annual meeting of IFT. I told mom yesterday, "I just wanted to let you know I'm going." Heh.

That said, there's some work to be done before the semester is over. On top of the stuff I've already got on my plate.
Should be manageable, in any case.

Now for organizing my notes for my classes and getting everything figured out for what I'm doing this weekend and when I'm doing it all.

Breathe. There's a start.

current mood: okay

(4 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
3:36 pm - Well....
I guess the positive thing about not doing any work all semester is, now that I'm deciding to finally settle down and do it, when I get bored with one thing, I have a bunch of other things to choose from to do.

I've found probably around 10-15 articles that I can use for my final paper for flavors, and am working on developing a skeleton outline for what I am going to discuss in the paper (it's to be 25-50pages long, and I want it to be good. I want to prove to Lawless that I'm not the complete slacker he's seen thusfar. Though perhaps the damage is done. I'd like to prove to myself that I'm not a slacker, as well, though). I already found five articles for my Dairy paper/presentation (three weeks from this past monday).

For myself, more than anything...Collapse )

It's kind of a relief to have that written up.

Now I can start transcribing to my planner, and writing down notes as to when I need to send out emails and etc.

Oh, something I didn't mention that I need to set up: Exit interviews for loans and other stuff related to graduation.

Kind of thinking I want a nap before the staff meeting. So long as I'm awake and feeling awake by the time I have to head out for that....

Ehn.

So I told myself no WoW for 2weeks. My friend from the game said, "I call your bluff... even though I won't be around to witness it" (he deleted his acct and it will be deactivated by the time I would be returning... in fact it should be up a bit before then?)

2 weeks from today places me at April 16th. It'd be a great birthday gift to myself, to see, "Wow, look, you do have self-control and you CAN motivate yourself, even still. See? You aren't a waste of space." And then to reward myself with some WoW.... but not allow myself to get sucked in the way I have been the past few months.

I can do this. I know I can. And I've said it a million times. But this time... it doesnt feel different. Yet.

I'm not deleting WoW from my computer. i need to prove that even with it there, I have the self control.

It's about control. I need to be in control. I need to feel in control.

I have the next couple weeks mapped out. Now to map out the individual days.

Tonight, perhaps. After the staff meeting.

current mood: determined

(2 comments | comment on this)

Monday, March 10th, 2008
5:09 pm
staring down the hole again
hands are on my back again
survival is my only friend
terrified of what may come, yeah
remember i will always love you
as i tear your fucking throat away
but
it will end no other way
it will end no other way!
...

I'm in this place right now in my life, where nothing seems to be right. I'm averaging 4 hours of sleep a night, can't stay awake in class, am not eating, can't focus, can't concentrate, can't be happy.

I keep telling myself, only a couple more months, only a couple more months. Then what? I haven't started sending my resume out to anybody, haven't made any connections with the people I NEED to be making connections with to get anywhere in the field.

I keep changing my mind about what I want to do. The cooking class I'm taking is make me realize how much I like cooking--and how good I am at it. There's this innate ability.... I'm learning all of these new techniques and I just catch on quick...

So I start to think, maybe I should go get a culinary degree. Do I need a culinary degree? Would I survive the food industry from the preparation side of it, as opposed to the processing side of it?

I remember I used to love chemistry. and I still do. I'm still intrigued by a lot of the stuff I read in my flavors book--not so much intrigued by the material as surprised how easily i catch onto it considering chem seems like it was ages ago. I still remember concepts I learned in eleventh and twelfth grade science.

Over spring break, I will send my resume out to tons of people. I think this week I need to have a chat with some professors to see what they have to say about where I should be looking, as far as jobs after graduation are concerned...

Right now, I should be finding articles and writing my paper for flavors. I am having serious issues finding articles, though... Articles that I can read & understand anyway.

I've been on the verge of tears for weeks.

Facebook is an evil creation, and I expected a lot more of myself than I should have. I say I'm pissed because he didn't tell me before facebook did, but I know deep down, I'm just not ready to think of him being with someone else, hugging someone else, kissing someone else, telling someone else that he loves them. Looking someone else in the eye-...
A piece of me will always love him. I'm still coming to terms with that. I've been in a foul mood since I found out, because--I've lost a best friend. Who was I kidding when I said we would have an EASY time being friends after a breakup? After dating for five years, after everything we shared, what the fuck was I on that made me think we could be friends?

I feel isolated and alone. I've got no one to turn to, here. And more importantly, none of those hugs... the ones that say, I love you. I'm here for you. You don't have to tell me anything, I'm just here when you need me.

I'm so mad at him. I call him, he doesnt answer. He doesnt call back. He doesnt acknowledge my phonecall but with a fleeting message on facebook the day he changed his relationship status giving some excuse about his phone and him being busy.
What the fuck.
Seriously, what the fuck. I try to keep in touch, I try to let him know what's going on in my life, and he doesn't even--
My blood is boiling right now. I shouldn't get this worked up. He's not worth my energy. Not anymore.

Sometimes, I just can't see my life being worth much of anything. But I chug along, hoping eventually I'll find some point to this.

current mood: anxious

(12 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, January 30th, 2008
11:48 am
It's about time I start pulling my act together.

I can do so much better.

I know I've said it about 834580927456 times. Where has my motivation gone?

...At least I managed to stay awake in both of my classes today, despite (because of?) the fact that I got 3.5 hours of sleep.

I'm in this state of being where I feel... unhappy at the drop of a hat. The smallest things have me feel close to snapping. I've not snapped yet, but I feel about to burst, sometimes.

I am enjoying my cooking class, however. Even though I did get out of it late last night. I'm looking forward to when they post the product evals on the website to see what they have to say about the cream of tomato soup my partner and I made last night.

Flavors should be good... once I pick up the book. That's on the agenda for this afternoon. First, I think I should get the lab report for dairy started, so if I have any questions, I CAN get them answered. Because I totally messed up the first one.

Meeting with Imani about the Corning Museum of Glass trip planned for March. Working on filling out the form for that atm...

(2 comments | comment on this)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page
LiveJournal.com